Sunday, August 9, 2009

I Did a Bad, Bad Thing.

Yes, fat man went crazy this weekend.

I agree with Tom: I'm glad this happened. It helped me to realize that I am an emotional eater.

Saturday, I moped around and pigged out for supper. I thought my stomach was gonna explode. I had half of a Little Caesar's Pepperoni pizza, 10 mild chicken wings, and 1/2 of a large order of ranch fries from a local drive thru. Also, I drank one liter of Pepsi One. Essentially, I binged.

And to finalize a crappy food weekend, I ate a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit meal from McDonald's this morning.

I was depressed and didn't care anymore.

I don't feel too guilty about it. I will do good the rest of the weekend and have a great week, but I've got to do something about this depression. Plans change, and I don't need to be a baby about it.

There's a great book on how to fight depression: "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns M.D. He explains different techniques to fight depression. I can't afford counseling anymore, so here's some of my faulty logic:

First, before I get started I want to explain that I have battled depression off and on for years. I used to go to counseling, and then I requested anti-depressants. There's got to be something wrong with me. I mean look at me: I got up to 632 lbs!

One irrational thought that I've had this weekend is: "What if the Talladega thing falls through? I don't think I could survive that." The problem with this logic is that I'm losing weight for the wrong reasons. It's fun to have challenges, but I should be losing weight for myself. Even losing 100 pounds has changed my life for the better. I have more energy now. It has improved my quality of life.

"My friend and his wife must not want to hang out with me" WRONG! - They just had plans and he (like most men) doesn't know what his wife has planned for the weekend.

"Well I guess this golf thing was never meant to happen." - Fiddle Faddle, I ran late on Friday because of work, and my friend had some plans that he didn't know about. Plans change. We'll schedule a golf outing one day; besides, I need to get some lessons and practice in before actually going out to play a full round. This will increase my chances of liking the game.

I'm feeling better after writing those few bits of my faulty logic. Now, my hope is that my friends (both online and local) don't think that I am completely nuts.

I thought I would share this stuff with everybody because:
1. Depression is one of the most common problems, and maybe this will help some folks.
2. Maybe you guys have some thoughts about the logic. Maybe y'all can help me.
3. We're in this together. We have to accept the good with the bad.

Okay, now lets talk about some fun stuff.

Pre-season NFL starts tonight. Buffalo Bills vs. Tennessee Titans. They're playing at Fawcett Stadium in Ohio. It's the Hall of Fame game. Mentioning football makes me happy. I can already feel the cool weather.

I bought "Golf for Dummies" to help with my non-existent golf game. I will call the golf instructor tomorrow to re-schedule, and hopefully put in a little practice every week. Like I said, I live three blocks away from a driving range. They also have a par three course and practice greens for putting.

I will weigh in tomorrow, but I'm not gonna weigh in again for another month because I'm gonna start lifting weights, and when I start this my weight will go up, and it discourages me. Hopefully things will equalize after four weeks. To help with my workouts I bought Fitness for Dummies, and of course I will be blogging everything that I do.

You know I've got that 5k in Feb, and I believe I have found another one in March. So next year I'm gonna be busy.

I'm gonna put all of my energy and efforts in for those 5ks. Whatever happens with the Talladega thing happens. Good or Bad.

Later today I will enter my foods and exercise for next week on the food and exercise diary.

Have a good Sunday. We'll see how much weight I gained in the morning. I wonder what it'll be. Five pounds, ten pounds, fifteen plus pounds?


View my food diary at:

View my exercise diary at:

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  1. I feel your pain, I am an emotional eater as well. Like you said, you have to take the good with the bad. It could of been worse. But you got on here and held yourself accountable for your actions and you can learn from it. My binges have gotten much better in the past several months, and I keep my final goal in mind. It seems to help me. Don't worry about the golf thing and plans changing. It happens. Start reading your book and then when you go practice maybe you will shock yourself and the instructor because you will already know a lot! Keep your head up!

  2. Don't be surprised if it's not towards the higher end of that range. Big guys tend to lose big and gain big... and that was a sh*tload of calories, fat and sodium.

  3. What's done is done. Move forward now and do not beat yourself up. You cannot live perfectly all the time, but you can learn from what happened.

    Depression is a difficult thing. There are definitely a lot of books you can read from the library if you are unable to get counseling.

    And I, too, am excited about football! Even though it's only preseason, it's something! (Go Broncos)

  4. At least you're really getting in touch with those feelings and behaviors. If you haven't already---please go to my page, scroll down and read Day 327. You don't have to comment Stephen---just read it. It was very powerful to me, and I think it might be for you too.

    My best always my friend,

  5. Hey Stephen...I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and I've just figured out how to post on here...I'm proably going to set up my OWN weight loss blog to chronicle my journey some time in the near future, so watch for me!

    Anwyay, I just have to say that I'm really impressed and inspired by the effort you're putting in. Setbacks like the one that you had this weekend happen.

    I had a very similar experience happen to me this weekend.

    I'm a veteran of OIF, and I came home in 2004 from a year-long tour in Iraq. Since then, I've put on a crapload of weight. It's not even funny how much weight I've gained.

    Anyway, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder since coming home. I've had some counseling, and I've been on meds in the past, and over all, my mental state has drastically improved. But ptsd isn't something that will ever go away completely for me, and I've certainly learned how vulnerable I am to depression.

    I think people like us are way ahead in the game to be able to recognize the signs and symptoms and to DO something about it before it gets out of control.

    I have one month left of my enlistment in the National Guard (I'm currently not having to drill or anything like that, but I sit on this list where the government can call me up for anything it wants). I'll be completely out on August 26. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago now I got this really weird phone call from a military guy. To make a long story short, the nature of the call MAJORLY stressed me out...for a while I didn't know what was going on, if I was getting called up, or what the deal was (things are fine, btw). Anyway, the thing kind of triggered something. I haven't been wanting to get up in the mornings, and this weekend I had my own major not-so-little binge.

    I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that you're not alone. You're not the only one who's struggling with obstacles like this. But I think you've already realized the solution to winning 99% of the battle--not to give up.

    I'm so impressed that, instead of saying, "well now I've blown it, so forget this diet thing," that you're realizing slowly but surely why its worth it to get back in the saddle.
    1. Giving up won't let you reach your goals. No one ever gained anything by giving up when things got tough or when they ended up backsliding. This is a journey for the long-haul...not a temporary fix. You've explored that theme numerous times in your posts, so you must realize that the only way you can possibly fail in this is if you throw in the towel. Even if you wind up taking a step back for every two steps forward, you're STILL going to eventually get yourself down to a healthy weight. Naturally, the more disciplined you are, the faster the process will go, but, regardless, if you stay the course you have no other option but to succeed.
    2. You're realizing that what's important is your HEALTH and your quality of life. Getting the trip to Talladega, and getting Jack Sh*t to throw in some money would be WONDERFUL...and it's something that I really believe you can acheive. But I would really encourage you to realize that if by some chance those two things DON'T happen--for whatever reason--that it's not a big deal in the scheme of things. The big deal is that you are changing your life in a drastic and wonderful way. Talladega is just the icing on the cake--and believe me, cake is still yummy even without the icing. Talladega will be an awesome event for you, and it will be such a treat for you to experience--but it's something that's fleeting. Your health, and a drastically improved quality of life is something you can carry with you for the long-term.

  6. One other thing I'd like to mention. I see that you're planning to start lifting weights. I have always hated lifting, but I know it's good for me and something I need to be doing. I did a LOT of reasearch into how to maximize results without having to adopt a gym rat lifestyle and mentality (I'm definitely not there at this point) and I'd like to share those resources with you if you're at all interested.

    I bought this book called "The New Rules of Lifting For Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess," by Lou Schuler. I found it to be absolutely AWESOME. I get a total body work-out in about a half an hour. The book makes the argument of working entire muscle groups (like you would actually do in real life) is more efficiant than working each individual muscle, and yields more natural results. Now, I realize you're probably not too interested in a women's weight-lifting book, but the same author also wrote one geared for men called, "New Rules of Lifting: Six Basic Moves for Maximum Muscle."

    Another helpful resource I've found (and even though it's authored by a woman and geared towards women, men can find a lot of useful/helpful information on it) is the website

    Anyway, Stephen, I just wanted to give you a shout out of encouragement. I think you're doing such an amazing thing, and WHAT strength of character you're revealing along the way!

  7. I struggle with depression too Stephen. Somedays are rougher than others. Keep plugging away and don't let your 'binge' get you down. You did it, its over, and now you're moving on. Good for you!

  8. You know maybe the golf thing worked out for the better, first you missed your lesson and then your friend cancelled. It might not have been a good idea to play a round of golf without the lessons first. And who's to say you can't get a few friends together and go play golf with them. Do you have to wait on your friend? How bout this why don't you get some friends together and play a round of miniture golf. Its not the same thing but at least you will be having fun.

  9. Good for you Stephen. I'm glad you're staying positive and realizing that this weight loss is for you and you only.

  10. A lot of what you said resonated with me. Yep, the old black dog is a b*stard. It's really good you can think logically through your emotions though.

    As an aside, you weren't the only one that lost the plot this weekend - read Jack Sh*t & Carlos' blog, they weren't perfect either - and neither was I. I'm just about to blog about my artery hardening weekend of excess.

  11. I take an anti depressant. I understand. Sorry about the binge, but glad you are going to move forward!

  12. Sorry to hear it was a rough weekend for you, but the important thing is that you are back on track! :)

  13. You recognized your mistakes and are moving on. We all have days like's life and it happens. Just get right back on track and're headed in the right direction! Keep your head up!!

  14. hey, not be trite, but depression isnt something to be ashamed of, and im sure 95% of us bloggers try to deal with it and im also sure that many of us deal with it through food. even figuring that out is a nsv, if you ask me. its always hard to figure out why it happens.

    yeah, that was a lot of food, but, im sure it wasnt as bad as it could have been and youve acknowledged it. that is a victory as well.

    football season! my favorite time of the year! when i logged on to yahoo this week, i saw teams listed under football and i was like, what? already!? i totally forgot how close it is. ah, football weather. i HATE summer! and i loooove football. youre from alabama, what pro team do you root for? im a steelers fan. thats not meant to elicit bad comments, lol.

  15. I'm an emotional eater as well - and just like you, once you have the binge you just stop caring and go nuts. It happens. You're allowed to have a bad day here and there, and one bad day won't make you regain 100 pounds. Keep focussed and you'll have more good days than bad.